Last Ride of 2024 -
I never want to get started. Even after three years of consistent riding, I never want to get started. Its the start, seeing the odometer read zero that is intimidating. It is the knowing that there are 30+ miles between myself and the end. It is the knowing that there are hills, sprints, dips, the pain the strain, the time and the agony between now and the end that always seems to get me to a place where I dont want to get started. Even after I get my kit over my shoulders, clip my feet in to the pedals, launch the training apps on my phone and watch as the timer on the event counts down to zero, I am filled with both anticipation, and fear.
Part of me doesnt want to get started. I dont need to get started. No one is watching, no one will care, no one is looking, no one is checking on me. Why do I have to do this. I can just spin on the trainer. I can sit on the bike and spin on the bike with little to no resistance. I can do for a little more than an hour and still say that I got my workout in. I can do that and feel like I did something. I can do that and be done with it.
If I do that, if I get on the bike and just spin my legs, am i improving. Am I getting better? Sure I can look like I am getting better, I might feel like I am getting better, but am I ? I can get my heart rate up, feel the strain in my legs, and the stand paper in my throat. I can race the clock under the cover of the running fan and imagine that I am pushing myself. I can pretend, but I am not doing anything. I am not pushing against anyone. I am not getting better, sitting on the bike and spinning the legs is equal to going through the motions. It is pretending to eat as opposed to eating.
So I dont do that. I get on the bike, boot up the app, log in and sit at the start line for a 30+ mile ride along with others that are in the pen. I do that because I am ending this year on a high note. I am ending this year stronger, faster and smarter than I started it. I am doing this not for applause, congratulations, or a pat on the back. I am doing this to be the better version of me than I was when I started. I am doing this for me, and I am always watching.