I knew I’d be over time for this ride. (It was supposed to be 4.5 hrs.) I didn’t think it would be by quite this much (I’d estimated 15-20 min over.) I NOW know I can do this kind of elevation faster but I was mainly conserving energy on each hill for all the climbing - I stuck to easier gears on the little chain ring and higher cadence, hence much slower speed than usual. I’m really happy with my performance: while I was a little tired by mile 40, I physically still felt strong, and mentally I was thriving.

This route was called Fondo Training. It covered the Myersville portion of the Maryland Gran Fondo, skipping Hamburg and Harp Hill, but taking you up the 3rd timed section for the Medio: I knew that physically I could do this ride on these roads. Monkey Knife set my confidence in my body back when it comes to climbing on the bike, and I really, really wanted to regain that confidence before my 70 mile race next week.

I started out with a SERIOUS case of the “I don’t wannas.” I woke up with low grade anxiety (it’s the week of the month where hormones are shifting = higher anxiety baseline. Knowing the cause of it is basically what helps me push through it. Otherwise today I would have succumbed to the massive case of task paralysis I was experiencing!)

It was also much colder than I would have preferred (WHEN WILL THE COLD END JESUS CHRIST!), and we had a frost warning until 9:00 am, so we were already starting later than I would have liked. Carlos then forgot his wallet and cycling bag…we had to turn around when we were almost at the ride start in Myersville. The end result was that we began the ride with an added 1.5 hrs delay at 11:00 am. 😩 I was frustrated - I did NOT want this thing to take all day, and I was afraid that that’s what would happen.

Narrator: “The ride did, indeed, take all day.”
But by then I had surrendered to it, so it’s fine.

The first hill gave me a major asthma attack that almost turned into a panic attack: it gave me a flashback of MKF. I didn’t want to go through the same doubting-my-body song-and-dance I went through at MKF. I debated turning around and scrapping the whole thing for a ride on the trainer at home.

Carlos was with me and being supportive no matter what I decided.

I put on my big girl cycling pants and didn’t turn around. I kept going…and unlike MKF, I got progressively better over time. Thank God.

When we moved to the new place, we discovered that the old apartment’s master bedroom was riddled with black mold on the walls behind the furniture. It was quite horrifying to discover. I’m worried I may have sustained some lung damage over time from the constant exposure. In the new apartment, I’ve been breathing noticeably better, sleep more soundly, and wake up more rested. I think my lungs will improve over time, but I’m definitely feeling the challenge during the first 10 miles or so of climbing on the bike (it’s odd/a relief that it has not been an issue running, which has historically been harder for me from both a cardio and respiratory perspective.)

I only walked uphill twice: about 4 miles in, there was a 1/2 mile 17% hill that both Carlos and I walked. This is the one where I had the asthma attack. On the next hill, there was a small 20% section that I also scrapped. After that, my lungs were much better (thank you 20 mg pred!) - I stayed on the bike for every single climb, including the two 5-mile climbs with 800’-1000’ elevation gain EACH. I decided to not stress about my lack of speed and instead focus on just climbing each hill at a consistent steady pace. I hit a really cool groove on both of those monster hills where I actually forgot we were still climbing and felt myself recover. It was so badass.

The second 5-mile climb was the 3rd timed section of the Medio. It has a portion near the top that increases to 20%. For the Medio, I got off and walked that little section. I did NOT do that today! I determinedly stayed on the bike all the way to the top.

I need to write about this as part of my own processing: riding the sections from the GF Medio was…strange. I had hemmed and hawed about this route because I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to emotionally handle the familiar sections that I knew my body could do:

I went through these sections (from the second aid station onwards) with a friend after a text that ultimately ended everything. While today my heart didn’t constrict with that formerly unbearable pain that made me unable to breathe, and I have erased some parts of that ride because of it (erasing is a defense mechanism that I am very grateful to have), as I rode through them I could randomly but vividly remember where my mind had been at in certain parts of this back portion of the Medio last September. I’d been in the greatest emotional pain of my life.

Re-doing these sections this time around was so much easier because:
1. I’m a stronger cyclist with better technique.
2. I wasn’t crying for the whole thing like I was in September.
3. I had eaten my carbs and drank my electrolytes right on schedule and in the correct amounts.
4. My heart didn’t hurt.

It was very cathartic and healing. I’m very glad that I did this route today. I had wanted to revisit the beauty of it, to show it to Carlos. Back in September, when we’d climbed Harp Hill and I slowed at the top to take in the incredible views while my friend roared on ahead without a pause, I had thought wistfully, “This would have been so much fun with Carlos. He would have loved this view.”

I’ve been gradually re-introducing into my life the things that I could not confront because they hurt so much from having done them prior with my friend. It’s helpful to confront those things again now that the pain has mostly faded away to nothing. July will bring the next big thing to confront. I was so broken last year…it’s really good to be seamlessly glueing the pieces back together bit by bit.

As for today’s ride, the biggest challenge ended up being the downhills! My anxiety skyrocketed on every downhill so I gave myself permission to go slow instead of trying to make up time. Carlos had an absolute blast with every downhill and wants to do this route again. I was like, “After today I’m fine climbing every mountain and never ever ever EVER coming back down.” 😂😂😂 There was one stupid hill that was a 17% DESCENT! (We did not do that one for the Medio!) I shamelessly WALKED that one at a lovely 1.5 mph. I did not care! 🤣 But my slow descents explains my slow average pace. Fixing my headspace was far more important than speed, and it meant I had time to take in the beauty around us. Because OMG this route is so beautiful!

Overall, while this ride was much bigger effort-wise than it was supposed to be, it was a MAJOR confidence boost that I very much needed after MKF. Throughout the course of the ride, I went from dreading the hills to enjoying them immensely, which is where I left off with hills at the end of last year. I’d very much missed being in that headspace when it comes to climbing, and it’s fantastic to have it back!

I’m so glad I persevered. My old QL injury did get angry halfway through the ride, but I was able to quiet it down with targeted engage-release of the affected muscle, then focusing on engaging my left glutes more. It didn’t hurt at all by the last 800’ climb.

It was a great ride on a beautiful day on some of my favorite roads in the most gorgeous parts of our county, with my 2nd favorite person at my side for the whole thing.

It was indeed a redemption, at every level.

I’m still both amused and delighted by how I managed to voluntarily change my mindset with this ride. I knew we’d be climbing for the entire thing so I made myself approach each hill with a very quiet mind (vs “OMFG another one?!!”) Like literally the entire point was to climb, so we were gonna CLIMB and I better not groan and complain about it.

Some of the descents were so harrowing (for me…Carlos zoomed past me, then waited for me at the next turn; he had so much fun! It cracked me up every time) that I actually started *looking forward* to climbing, because, on this day, to me, climbing was so much better than descending. 😂

I feel immensely accomplished: I did exactly what I set out to do with this ride - to prove to myself that I could do it!