Do you like rafting, hate your job, hate #RealWorldProblems, and want to expand your #Mind + #Resume??? Then boy do I have an incredible opportunity for you!!! Looking for 1–2 oarswomen/oarsmen to join my 16-person private Grand Canyon rafting trip 8/9–8/27, and one of you beautiful degenerates needs to be down to row one of the 18’ outfitter rafts we’re renting approximately 275+ miles through the Grand Canyon. No prior rowing experience required!!! It’s mostly flat water anyway, like 95% flat, and the rapids honestly aren’t even that big. Like, the flat water is wayyy harder to row than any of the “rapids.” All you have to do is keep an 18-foot rubber school bus loaded with humans, beer and/or seltzers (if you’re gluten free), games, and camping equipment pointed vaguely downstream, tee-up any laterals, pull on the oars really hard when everyone starts yelling at you, and occasionally make a few extremely consequential decisions with approximately 4 seconds of notice. It’s SUPER CHILL, I swear! Worst case scenario, the river only flows one direction, so eventually we’ll probably end up where we’re supposed to be. Allegedly. You just need to have the desire to learn, have fun with an awesome crew, maybe RTB every once in a while, ‘Dump Em’ at passing commercial trips with the rest of the crew, disappear from #Society for 19 days, willingly enter a 277-mile-long hole in the ground with no cell service, and possess at least two semi-functional arms. Being able to distinguish river left from river right is strongly preferred, although yelling “WHICH FUCKING LEFT???” while approaching a rapid is an acceptable substitute if you can yell it loud enough. We currently have TWO spots open, but ONE of you needs to be down to row. We’re ALSO looking for anyone with a WFR or EMT certification because apparently “we have a first-aid kit, several rolls of Gorilla Tape, and at least one person who has watched Grey’s Anatomy” is not considered a comprehensive wilderness medical plan. (Whatever the f**k that means.) If you have a pulse, a sense of adventure, approximately 19 days of questionable decision-making capacity, and can tell river left from river right at least 60% of the time, slide into my DMs or comment below. Plz help. I have officially exhausted all reasonable methods of finding people and have resorted to recruiting Grand Canyon rafters through my Strava activity descriptions. If this doesn’t work, I will be approaching strangers in the King Soopers or Sprouts parking lots and asking them how they feel about plugging big holes with large objects wrapped in rubber while a bunch of people watch. I’ve already seen a handful of people out there who look like they’re DTF (Down To Float), so I’m feeling cautiously optimistic. But actually not really. Idk. Whatever. Anyway plz lmk. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER. -Your Trip Leader TJH